Sarah Gone Wild

Posts Tagged ‘mall sluts’

So fun, in fact, that I intend to share it with all of you. Awww, I’m just too sweet. The gushy lovefest? I’m so over it. It’s so two days ago. That was pre-shoppingforweddingundies.

I went shopping last night and the night before in the hopes that my inner sex kitten (who is thin, by the way) would miraculously emerge and I would find lots of sassy underthings for our nonexistent honeymoon in September. I know I have an, um, overdeveloped posterior, but I’ve grown used to it in my 26 years. Or so I thought. Victoria’s Secret (which I have discovered and will tell you shortly) has an awesome line of bridal stuff, and it was on sale, so I bought a few pairs of cute undies (the ones with words on the ass) and took them home to try on.

Upon doing so, I discovered her Secret – Victoria hates fluffy bitches. Come on! I’m not obese, just voluptous! I have fabulous ta-tas, but I’ve been cursed with useless childbearing hips, knees that make babies cry, and the ass of a black girl with thighs to match. Unfortunately, as a white chick marrying another cracker, the latter does me no good. Ms. B, you know what I’m talking about! Anyway, the words stretched out, my hip fat bulged and my ass looked unnatural. No deal. Fuck you, Victoria.

I tried on a corset at Fredericks…my conclusion there is that ruffles were made for crackwhores and pixies. Trying to find a garterbelt that fit was like looking for love at a Furry convention – nauseating,  really uncomfortable and I left with some weird fuzz on my pants. And let’s not talk about fishnets and teddies. At the end of it all, I guess it’s a good thing we can’t afford a honeymoon, because it wouldn’t be the one I pictured anyway.

In addition to the horror of lingerie shopping, I also helped my friend Roxy shop for dresses. We went to Forever 21 and, as Roxy is petite and thin, she had good success. However, I feel the need to point a few things out. Let’s start with the name of the store. Forever 21??? Really? 21? I think “Forever Prepubescent” or “Forever Undeveloped” or “Forever WithoutWomanParts” would be a bit more accurate. Seriously! What fully developed 21 year old fits in that crap? I’d be lucky if one of the skirts there fit my thigh. Next, I am starting to understand the growing proliferation of teen pregnancy. As we’ve established that adult women probably don’t shop there too much, what mother is letting their skankeriffic daughter out of the house in skirts that short and shirts that low cut? I’m all for sluttin’ it up for a night out, but I could count on one hand the number of girls there that really should have been dressing like that on a regular basis. The rest were junior high to high school aged girls that would NOT be allowed to wear any of that crap to school. Good thing it’s summer break, eh? Time to further overpopulate the planet/fund abortion doctor salaries…

But whatever. It’s time for my trip to the gym. I’m bringing my stapler with me so if the gym stripper is there I can chuck it at her skull…