Yesterday was the 2nd anniversary of living without Grandma V. I’ve been avoiding thinking of her much lately because it still hurts so much. Or if we talk about her, I pretend like she’s not gone. But when we go visit her grave, I can’t pretend. I miss her so much, and I know my mom and family miss her like crazy, too. It’s not easy. I take solace in remembering the good times, but for some reason, right now I’m haunted by the bad ones.
I remember every second of the night she passed. I remember all the times I got mad at her. I remember the time I accidentally shut the car door on her hand and it really hurt her. I remember all the times we rushed out of the nursing home because we had other things to do. None of those “other things” were nearly as important as spending every second possible with her that we could…but I didn’t realize it then. I should have. But I didn’t, and now it’s too late. I’m so sorry for that. I can’t undo any of it, but at the moment, I can’t let it go, either.
I took her yellow roses and my mom took her a salmon-colored gardenia. These were two of her favorite flowers. I also took a bouquet to Grandma D – hers had a sunflower in it, and I remember vividly the amazing sunflowers she once had. They towered over six feet tall and looked like a bunch of suns glowing over the rest of her garden. Seeing my anniversary date staring back at me from her grave marker makes me feel guilty. I know she was upset with how I handled a few things regarding the wedding and my biodad, and although I had valid reasons for wanting what I did, I can’t help but think she died with her feelings hurt. I’m so sorry for that, too.
It’s so weird. Why am I feeling so many negative things right now? I loved them both and they loved me, but I can’t help but wonder if I showed them enough how much I cared. I don’t want to lose another person and wonder if they knew. So if I’m a little sappy with you over the next few days or weeks, just know it’s because I love you and you’re important to me. I need my family and friends to know that.
Grandma, I love you more than you could ever know and I miss you more than I ever thought possible. I think about you every day, even when it’s to tell myself I can’t think about you today because it hurts. It will always hurt, but I’m okay with that because it means I was lucky enough to have someone as wonderful as you in my life. I wish I still had you, but please know that I carry you in my heart everywhere I go.
I’ll always be your munchkin.