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Posts Tagged ‘evil salad’

Salad: Punishment for being fat

posted on Monday, May 28th, 2009 under General Ramblings, Things that piss me off |

That’s really all I have to say about that. Without my cheese and Asiago Parmesan dressing (okay, and croutons), salad is not a happy place. You know that face most babies make when they taste their first pickle? I’ve done that a lot lately. I also do that when I see babies.

But whatever. I’ve lost 13 pounds. Leafy greens are a necessary evil if I want my new shoes soon and then my new tattoo. I got my dress…I can’t find pictures of it online, but trust me. It’s totally hot. Maybe not so much on me, but in general. It does make my boobs look good, though. You know you like it. Anyway…


I think pet owners can appreciate this. An open letter to my dog and cat:

I really don’t need supervision when I pee. It actually makes me uncomfortable to have you follow me in and stare at me while I do my business. And cat, I really don’t understand why pawing the shower curtain rapidly while standing on your back paws provides you so much entertainment, but as long as it does, I will continue to harass you and make you fall in the tub. I need my entertainment, too.

Dog, I’m sorry we used the Cesar Milan method of training on the cat and you don’t understand that “TSSSSST!” means “Stop doing that before I fucking kill you.” But it does. It does NOT mean come running because something fun is going to happen. Sure, watching the cat get yelled at probably has some level of satisfaction for you, but I don’t always have time to stop and pet you when I’m busy trying to kill that damn feline.

Cat, seriously. Shut the fuck up. We love you. You are adorable and hilarious, but if you don’t stop waking us up with your incessant mewing, you might die. It won’t be our fault. We can’t control sleep-induced rages. And about you, dog. When we yell at the cat to shut up, that does not mean you should get up and start tap dancing around our bed. If I don’t get some sleep soon, you will both be locked out of the room – in places we won’t be able to hear your scratching, tapping or mewing.

Dog, I know you need more walks. However, I can’t control the weather and no one likes a stinky wet dog. When it clears up, we’ll go. I promise. In the meantime, please stop giving me those eyes. It breaks my heart.

Cat, letting Mr. T pet you all night and then curling up on my legs to sleep is NOT equal treatment. I want my fair share of snuggle time or I will continue to roll around on purpose to get you to leave. And it’s really not fair for you to sleep on the dog bed. He’s bigger than you and isn’t allowed on the bed or couches. That’s just selfish and mean. I know you’re evil…I just wish you wouldn’t take it out on your brother.

Dog, you can totally take him. Cat is much smaller and not very coordinated, really. The next time he waits for you around the corner and smacks the crap out of you, give him a little one-two to the head. That’ll teach him. But don’t hurt him – just show him who’s boss.

Oh, and both of you – I know you’re secretly friends. Busted.