The weird truth about transformation

The weird truth about transformation

I went in for my last strength session before Ironman, and was trying to describe to Josh how weird I feel about my body right now. I’ll get more into that in a minute, but he said something to me that really stuck in my brain. After I pointed at my bicep as I executed a pull down, he said, “Yep, you made that!”

I made this. My biceps? Made those. My muscular back? Made that. My still so huge but strong legs? Yep, I made those, too.

I tend to ignore this fact, but as weirded out as I am by this body I now reside in, it is how it is because of the hours of hard work I put in to make it this way, from training for Ironman to strength training to food prepping to eating well. And yes, the loose skin that makes me cringe and the belly bulge that just will not go away…I made those, too. And herein lies the problem. As per usual, all I can see is the bad.

When I look at my body, instead of appreciating its strength and endurance, I see the remaining fat and extra skin and stretch marks that serve as permanent reminders of the years of abuse I put my body through…the years of neglect, the deep depressions, the “please don’t make me leave the house” anxiety and insecurity…so when I was in the fitting room trying on new bras (because the first fat to go is always the pretty stuff…sayonara, lady lumps), the light hit my breastbone and I could see the bone moving beneath it, and I could count my ribs, and I could see shapes in my form I’ve never seen before…and it FREAKED.MY.SH*T.OUT.

I was with my family, so I played it cool, but mentally, I was spiraling out of control. Who are you? You are not this person. Don’t get used to it – once the race is over, you’re going to get fat again. You do this every year. You are not capable of being in this body long term.

My sister even bought me this super rad unicorn and aliens sweatshirt as a good luck present, and today I tried to go exchange it for a larger size. The juniors medium fits, but I am already planning on it not fitting a month from now, so I was trying to get a bigger size. My local Kohl’s did not have any in stock, though, so I am taking this as a sign that I’m supposed to keep it and if it stops fitting, it’s time to get my sh*t together again.

So really, what I’m trying to say is…transformation is hard. I’m not just changing physically. I’ve grown mentally strong in so many ways…I’ve overcome a lot to get this far…but I still have a long way to go before I could possibly say that I’ve accepted or fully recognized everything I’ve done or become. And for now, that’s okay, because I still have one little huge thing I want to “become”…

And because I’ve been freaking out about that one little huge thing, I decided to make myself a few motivational memes to keep me going. Because, you know, I’m not good with cheesy, but when you make it a meme, everything is OK.

NINE DAYS, PEOPLE.

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