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Archive for June, 2010

Arkansas: The highlights (or lowlights?)

posted on Monday, June 28th, 2010 under General Ramblings |

Or both, whatever.

This past weekend, we went to Henderson/Mountain Home, Arkansas for a “family reunion” on T’s side. Actually, it was a surprise 90th birthday party for T’s grandma and grandpa, who both turn 90 within a month of each other. First, the highlight and reason we were there, T’s freaking adorable grandparents, Tony and Vivian:

No, they aren't falling over...

Aren’t they so cute? Funny story: Tony still pats Vivian on the ass – he’s a P.I.M.P. The last time they stayed at T’s aunt’s house, when they were leaving, Tony said, “You might want to change the sheets. I got lucky this weekend!” To which Vivian replied, “Anthony Cletus! Nothing happened!” He just laughed and winked. Here’s a shot of Tony in action:

Vivian CRIED when she got out of the car – she had no clue that half the people who were there were even coming. She cried when she opened her cards (she started when she opened ours and saw the money inside – I was relieved she was crying about the gift and not the card because it had prairie dogs on the front and inside said, “Do I smell old people?”). Damn it, I hate it when old people cry! Not fair. Look at that face!

Anyway, those are all the pics you’re getting because I didn’t remember to take any. These were from T’s dad. Now on to the funny stuff:

  • Driving down, we passed through Licking, MO. If that’s not funny enough on its own, one of the first businesses we saw was Licking Self Storage. I didn’t know storage was required for that, but more power to ya.
  • Did you know that Houston, MO is in Texas County? I didn’t realize Missouri had such an inferiority complex.
  • While at the Mountain Home Walmart, I decided to grab some iced coffees from Mickey D’s (I figured it had to be better than the hotel’s swill). While standing there, waiting for my order, a voice whispers in my ear, “I like to see a woman in a dress.” I looked around and saw a creepy old man walking away. He turned and winked. I chuckled uncomfortably…
  • Leaving said Walmart, we approached my car to see a toothless old fellow standing behind it, staring at it like it was an alien visitor…he saw us walk up, jumped a little and smiled. “Is this your car?” he asked. “Yep! Sure is!” I replied. He squinted at it once more, muttered, “Scion…” and walked away.
  • When T’s grandpa was walking around the party, he stopped and looked at me and said, “Look at that broad! What are you doing later?” I laughed (how could you not???) and said, “I don’t know, you might want to ask T.” To which Tony replied, “Well, do you want to ask him or do you want to have fun?” Wink. He was quite a character.
  • We spent some time at the hotel pool and hot tub Saturday night. That is, until one of the girls disrobed her two year old daughter and let her climb into the hot tub, buck-ass nekkid. I immediately left the water and did not return. No diaper, no deal. This isn’t grammy’s house, put some goddamn clothes on that kid.
  • T’s sister met a cowboy at the pool and we had a drink with him and his friends. Later, T’s sister told us we missed all the times they said, “I was talkin’ to your kin earlier…” Kin. Wow. I reckon they don’t go to the big city much.
  • On the way home Sunday, we stopped at a cute town to go antique shopping. I found a cool vintage corkscrew, a wood-bound cocktail recipe book and an awesome metal cake pan/storage thing…but what I DIDN’T buy and am now regretting 1000% was a vintage Schwinn bike. It was purple and gorgeous. A little bit of rust and a few fender dings, but that’s to be expected. I didn’t buy it and now I’m totally kicking myself. I want that bike. I need that bike. I have to own that bike!!! I see a long drive in my future…

It was an interesting weekend, to say the least, but it was also relaxing and enjoyable. Thanks to the Reverend and missus for watching our sweet Teddy for us…you may be getting to see him soon, if that bike doesn’t get out of my head soon. This isn’t it, but it looked like this:


Oh, how I love thee. WHY DIDN’T I BUY YOU????

One more note…IT’S ALMOST HERE!!!!!!

Where pretentious asshats unite!

posted on Monday, June 11th, 2010 under General Ramblings |

Where might this be, you ask? Why, Whole Foods, of course!

Don’t get me wrong, I know lots of nice, non-asshatty folks who shop at Whole Paycheck Foods.

None of them were there today.

And the employees are nice. At least, Mr. Ponytail was really happy to help me find all-natural frosting, and I appreciated him facilitating my getting the hell out of there.

But holy shit, people. Here are some lessons for the pompous douchenozzles who royally fucked up my otherwise enjoyable lunch hour and drove me to self-comfort with Bread Co. mac n cheese.

  1. You’re shopping at a store founded on the principle of natural, healthy, eco-friendly living. Riding up in a gas-guzzling, overpriced SUV of death means you just shop here because you can afford to and because you think it makes you look good. Fuck off and buy a hybrid already. You can clearly afford that, too.
  2. While you’re in that pollutant-spewing behemoth, you are sheltered from the gross, drenching, also pollution-filled thanks to you drizzle falling from the sky – you should brake and let pedestrians cross the street to get out of the weather instead of plowing through like a WEC wrestler on his way to the cage.
  3. Maybe you don’t have to work to earn the money you’re spending here, but I do, so kindly shuffle your ass out of the doorway and stop blocking the aisles. I’m here for frosting, not to stare at a sample of organically fancypants cheese.
  4. Now that you’ve almost run me over in the rain twice, how about you try NOT driving 40 MPH down the parking aisles? When there are other huge FuckMobiles parked on either side of me, it’s hard to see around them when backing out. And yes, I, unlike you, hit my brakes when I saw you approaching, so you don’t need to honk as you barrel on by. Fuck you very much.
  5. The fancy brand of your car does not entitle you to cut me off when it’s my turn at the stop sign. You paid enough for that thing, the brakes have got to be excellent, right? Try using them. Turn signals are handy, too.
  6. One last note – sorry my no-name-brand dress and handbag cause you to look at me like you smell something awful. I’m guessing that smell is radiating from the stick currently residing inside your rectum. The crazy unshaven hippie in the corner seems to think I’m overdressed anyway, so I guess I just can’t win. Maybe the lesson to learn here is mine. No worries, if Trader Joe’s had had what I needed, I wouldn’t have come here anyway. Won’t make that mistake again.

Now if you’ll excuse me, my inferiority complex is begging for that mac n cheese. If I denied her now, there’s no telling what could happen.

A quick update…

posted on Monday, June 7th, 2010 under General Ramblings |

The walk is over and it was AMAZING. I have photos to share and stories to tell, but for now, I just wanted to say a quick thank you to everyone who has helped me get here. So far, the event has raised A HALF MILLION DOLLARS! How incredible is that? I cried when they announced it at the closing ceremonies yesterday.

I cried a lot this weekend. Once out of frustration, several times out of joy and even more times out of sadness at the stories I heard about those affected by MS. I am so proud to have been a part of this, and have already signed up for next year’s walk. Let me know if you’re interested in joining the kick-ass Wally’s Walkers team!

Also, I am still in the running to be one of this year’s top 25 fundraisers. There’s still time to donate, so if any of you didn’t donate but wanted to, please go here. I heard so many amazing stories about what MS research has accomplished to date, and every dollar helps find the next treatment or even the cure to help others keep walking.

Hugs and kisses to all of my wonderful support team. Amy “Wally” Reno – you are the most amazing person. You have MS and yet you whooped my ass all weekend long. Thanks for always pushing me and telling me that excuses are like cookies – once you have one, all of a sudden, there’s a dozen in your mouth.

Yes, that’s what she said. :)

Holy 50 miles, Batman!

posted on Monday, June 3rd, 2010 under General Ramblings |

Yikes, stripes, people. Tomorrow is day one of the 50 mile Challenge Walk MS.

And I’m so not ready.

I’ve been so busy with work that I’ve used it as an excuse to not work out like I should have been. Last night I did one last short training run and it was hideous. I did my strength training first, then headed out to do a couple miles. A half mile in, I had a side cramp so bad I had to walk. It would NOT go away, and my leg muscles were locking up a little from the strength stuff I had just done. So I walk another mile and committed to running the last half mile of my route. By the time I hit the half mile, I decided I felt okay and pushed myself to finish another half mile so I would at least have run a whole mile without stopping.

Then I felt like I was gonna barf. I could not cool down. Even after a room-temp shower, and standing butt-ass nekkid in front of an air vent, I was pouring sweat. I felt awful. It was not good.

I’m not used to the heat and humidity, so I’m really nervous about this weekend – which is supposed to be pretty damn hot and humid. With a chance of thunderstorms on day 2. Sweet. I’m fine with rain and thunder, but not lightning and not the uber-humidity a storm brings and holds onto until the rain starts.

I’m confident we’ll finish the miles, but I’m afraid it’s not going to go how I wanted. I really wanted to get some good running in (walking is SOOOOO boring and takes forever) and now I think we’ll just be happy to stroll across the finish line.

I want to thank everyone who has supported our team and myself, through fundraising, 20-mile walks or much-needed moral support. I know some seriously awesome people, that’s for sure. I’m so proud to say Wally’s Walkers raised $7,395.62 for MS research, and no matter what happens from here, nothing can take away from that.

I’m going to bring a journal and write about each day. I know this will be an experience like no other and I don’t want to rely on my goldfish mental capacity to remember everything about it. So keep your fingers crossed for happy feet and no intestinal issues. If you could do a cool weather dance, that’d be a friggin’ sweet bonus.

Maybe I’ll see a few of you at the finish line (at 1:00 Sunday at TR Hughes Ballpark, in case you were wondering). Peace out, home skillets!

Two words: Cheese fries.

posted on Monday, June 2nd, 2010 under General Ramblings |

So about that funny story I mentioned in the last post. A few weeks ago, there was a going away soiree for a couple of coworkers at the office. Pretty much everyone at my office is awesome, so it’s definitely sad to lose such great people. I wasn’t super close with either girl (although I like them both very much), so I didn’t plan on making a night of it…but I should have known better based on smaller gatherings in the past.

First came flippy cup. I’ve never seriously played flippy cup, so I’m not very good. Then came beer pong. Oh, my, the beer pong. I think I would’ve been fine had the fun stopped there. But then there were shots.  And then we all moved to a nearby bar. At this point, I would definitely not say that I was wasted. Happy drunk, yes. Obliterated, no way.

We all got seated on the patio. I was against the railing, in the middle of a bunch of peeps. Eventually, as expected, I had to pee. I figured it would be a hassle to ask everyone to move and let me out, so I hatched a better escape plan. Here’s where the debate comes in. I maintain that I TOTALLY had this, but my next move caused a mild panic. I hopped up on the deck railing, ducked the hanging plant and tried to shimmy across the railing. No, I’m still not sure how I was going to handle the posts blocking my way. But I wasn’t going to fall. Or jump. And it was only about a ten foot drop. So I was fine. But I got grabbed and pulled back down and everyone STILL thinks I was going to die. I call drama queens. Like I said, I totally had it.

After a while of good laughs, the party broke up. One of my favorite humans drove me home with another coworker (another super awesome person) and I thought everything was hunky dory. Until I tried to run up my porch steps – the porch steps I traverse MULTIPLE times a freaking day – and I bit it hard core. I still have a healing bruise on my leg and a scrape on my arm. I fell right up those damn steps. But I felt no pain (thanks, booze!), so I hopped up, threw my arms in the air, yelled, “I’m good!” and went inside.

T was out with friends so I called to see where he was. I mentioned I might need food and to call me when he was heading home. Then I vaguely remember eating some stale Chili Cheese Fritos before I passed out. By the time T called and woke me up, I guess I was a little incoherent. According to T, this is how the conversation went:

Me: hhhhuuuoooooooo?

T: Hello? You there?

Me: *grunt*

T: Hey, I’m stopping by White Castle’s on the way home. What do you want?

Me: mehllsdfjlker sluwmosr chueese friiiies sloureo msodufo

T: What? Did I hear cheese fries?

Me (aggravated): MOUEIUFJSKLDJFLIOSJ! CHEESE FRIES! mlssdfslkjuoi hjshdofuh

T: Okay…cheese fries it is. See you when I get home.

Me: *grunt*

Then he got home with the food. His first comment? “Baby, you are fucking WASTED! All I could understand was blahblahblah CHEESE FRIES!”

I didn’t reply. He then offered me a chicken sandwich, which I ate without opening my eyes. I sat up a teensy bit after that to consume my cheese fries and then I was out for the night.

When I woke up the next morning afternoon, there was cheese on my face, under my nails and on my blanket, and my first thought was, “Why does my leg hurt so much?” But you know what? Other than my new bruises, I felt great! Tired, sure, but you should NEVER underestimate the power of cheese fries.

Mmmm….cheese fries…they fix everything. Maybe if I take some to work, they’ll stop saying I almost died. Probably not. Who cares? I friggin’ love these people. I mean, how can you NOT love someone who introduces you to the PortOPong? I have a pink one traveling to my house as we speak. Who’s got a pool? I see a beer pong tournament in the future…and lots of cheese fries.


Notice the brand...extra funny!