That’s reason #83 not to have children – they will inevitably turn into teenagers. Unless that age group is followed by Mutant Ninja Turtle, they all suck. Last night was just a reaffirmation that, if I have to regrow my virginity to keep from producing offspring, so be it. Sorry, T.
Here’s what went down. It’s about 7:00. I’m still cooling down from my workout, so I’m a total ratty mess. I look outside and notice a kid riding his bike on my driveway. Now, I’m pretty territorial, so that bothered me, but I wasn’t going to say anything…until I saw his little emo buddies in front of my house. There were five, maybe six, kids hanging out in front of my house. One of the girls, a chubster in all black, was sitting on my landscaping ties. Now, we spent hours last weekend cleaning up our landscaping and found lots of trash stuffed behind one of our hostas, so I was pissed that she was there. She has no right to sit on my property, but whatever. I wasn’t going to say anything just yet.
Ant then, the goth wannabe with green hair flicked a cancer stick into my yard. Oh, hell no! That shit is not going down in front of me. You keep your shit to yourself. So I’m pissed, but they are just stupid children, so I open the door and politely say, “Please don’t throw your trash in my yard.”
Of course, I forgot how COOL these emo punks are. I should have expected the following scene, but I was unprepared. And enraged.
Green goth fucker (GGF) just looked at me, and one of his buddies asked what I was talking about. I stared GGF in the face and said, “You just threw your cigarette in my yard. Don’t.”
He just looked at me and said, “I can’t hear you.”
So, naturally, being the adult I am, I yelled, “Keep your shit out of my yard!”
He started to say something else, and I cut him off. “Just get moving. Get the fuck off my property and keep walking.”
So he indicates to chubby goth girl (CGG) and says, “She’s having problems.”
Me: “What kind of problems?”
GGF: “Uh, anger!” (in a duh kind of tone)
Me: “You know who could help with that? The police. I’ll have them stop by.”
GGF: “You think I’m scared of the cops?”
Me: “Guess we’re gonna find out, huh?”
I walk back in the house, find the non-emergency police number, dial it and walk back to my door. They’re now walking past my neighbor’s house. I stepped on the porch, holding my phone up, as I watched them walk. Then, one of the emo girls who wasn’t even involved turns around to yell, “What are you looking at, bitch?”
I looked at her and laughed. When you’re really pissed, nothing is more infuriating than being laughed at, so I laughed.
I’m going to move our shotgun near the front door so the next time they decide to try to fuck with me, I can grab it, open the door and cock that son of a bitch. I’m crazy. You don’t want to mess with crazy.
You want to be emo? I’ll give you something to be emo about. How about having bills to pay and not making quite enough money? How about having a job you hate and not being able to afford to quit or take a pay cut to find something that would make you happier? Stop acting like a total wank. You live with your mom and your biggest concern is what death metal band shirt to wear tomorrow. Fuck off.
Fucking punk ass kids.